Saturday, December 25, 2010

My Reaction to Schindlers List

We watched Schindler's List in History Class, it is a movie depicting the horrors of the Nazi Holocaust. In order to pass the semester in History we had to write up a reflection of the movie. Sorry for not posting much lately. I have been very busy with school, I will catch you all up on my life soon! Thanks -Angie.

Ever since I was young I had an interest in the survivors of the Holocaust.  I read novel after novel about their courage, their fight for life. From Behind the Bedroom Wall to Torn Thread and Number the Stars, I read them all. But nothing made the Holocaust as real to me as watching Schindler’s List. I never understood just how awful they were treated, how gruesome and atrocious it really was.
I felt horror stricken as I watched the Jews line up and get shot. They fall like bowling pins, backwards into the hole that they had previously dug. They were treated like rats, like less than people. They were ridiculed by the Germans and laughed at. The soldiers cut the one Jewish man’s hair for their entertainment. It made me angry to see people throwing mud at them as they were herded out of the city like animals. They were lied to and cheated of their luggage, of their valuables, and of their lives. They had everything taken from them, their businesses, their families, and later their lives.
I could almost feel the pain of the Jewish mothers who had their children ripped out of their hands and their husbands pulled away from them. They cried and they hurt, but they kept going on.  They were hopeful despite their living nightmare.
 I wanted to throw something at the screen, to make the Nazis stop shooting, to make the children run faster, to yell at them to hide. But I know that’s not going to do any good, I felt helpless, powerless to help them. The children were so desperate to get away; they hid under boards and even in the outhouse. I can not even imagine being that afraid. When the one armed man was shot, I saw the blood soaked snow and shuddered.
I don’t know how many times I have whined and complained when things didn’t go my way. I have thought that my life was so bad, but it can’t even compare with the lives of those Jews. I think it was a very good thing that Steven Spielberg made this movie, so that people like you and me can see and understand how horrible life was for the Jews.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

I Don't Think I Could Write A Blog Without Bringing Him Up At Some Point

What a day for friendship. Today started good, slowly sank to bad, then worse, then better and here I am now. No emotions, just simply reflecting on the day. I woke up and talked to Scott, that made my day start well. Then I had lectures this morning.The afternoon was a mix of sadness and tears then later came the laughter. I'm upset that one of my good friends is moving to Lincoln, and I will hardly ever see her again. Dustin, her boyfriend and my friend as well, is dating her and moving in with her. So, he's leaving too and it's kind of hard for me to let them go. I was crying a bit over that, and frustrated with this morning's lecture. Then the afternoon I spent laughing with my insane family.

All in all the day wasn't so bad. I have just spent a half an hour talking to one of my online friends, Summer, and trying to help her get over a boy she's been talking to for 6 months. I know how she feels in the way that I used to care about Blake. Although, I have put my past behind me and moved on since then, I know what shes going through. I have only been talking to Scott for four months, but I know I love him, that much is clear. The more I talk to him, the more I am convinced that he was meant for me. Just simple little things in life and we seem to have everything in common. There are a few things he doesn't like to talk about, and I understand. The boy has been through hell, I can at least give him a break. I think he just needed someone to care about him, and that is where I came in.

Tonight he is off helping his friend, Ashley. Apparently she was upset about something and he left a few hours ago. I assume he will either be on shortly, or not for a long time. I pretty much have him memorized. On a school day I usually talk to him from about 6:20 to about 6:40. Then we go to school and sometimes he gets on about 2:00. When I get home he is sometimes at a friends house and he talks on his ipod. from 4 to about 5 something. Then he eats supper, take a shower, sometimes does homework and gets back on about 8 or 9. then we stay up until 10 or 11. Weekends are a little different, we both talk whenever we have free time, and send messages when the other is offline. It is comfortable, reassuring and secure. Every once in a while he says those things that make you blush, or that make your heart squeeze in your chest and all you want to say is "Awwwwwwwww!!" I will always love him for that. But the reasons I love him, that would be a whole new blog, because I could spend forever talking about that. Maybe, I'll save that project for another day. But be assured of this: I love that boy with all of my heart above all else, and I could easily see myself married to him one day. I really could. I don't really think I can write a blog anymore without talking about Scott.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

We Live; We Learn; We Crash; We Burn

So, Its been a while since I have posted anything. I have had a lot of issues going on lately. With parents and school, it has been crazy. Last week I was completely swamped and Homecoming was shortly before that. Things with me and Scott are pretty good, and tonight I heard his voice for the first time. It was just one word, one simple little "hello" on a voice recording, but I have already fallen in love with it. I am dying to hear more of it soon. My laptop broke; I just got it fixed and its finally back to me.I have a speech to do on Tuesday, and I have to read to the little second graders, too. I just have a lot going on, and I can't write much other than the fact that, I'm in big trouble if I get caught on my laptop right now.

I'm walking on thin ice with my parents, and I really don't want to piss them off any more. I have sat through hours of lectures this weekend. I don't really know how much more I could have taken. Luckily, my brother came home, and the rents don't really like to lecture with him around. I don't know why that is. It feels like I have had a bit too much adrenaline lately. I'm all strung up and ready to crash soon. I guess Scott is right, I have been sneaking around a lot lately. But for him, I would do anything. I am not complaining, I would rather sneak around all the time, then never get to talk to him. He is totally worth any trouble I get in. My parents don't want me to fall in love with someone I don't know. I know Scott, and I know he would never hurt me, and that is good enough for me. He doesn't have to be a superhero, he just has to be himself and I will be satisfied. Well that's all for tonight. I'm ready to crash and burn.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Sometimes The Hardest Situations Teach The Most Valuable Lesson...

Well, in a little over 12 hours I will be 16 years old. Yeah, still pretty young, but in love anyway. It was a hard weekend.  Scott and I had a few fights, and I have never cried so much (but of course I was also reading the Last Song).Yet, I have learned from the mistakes we both made. First, I learned that sometimes I need to button my lip and at times listen to my heart not my head. Scott has a funny way of putting it: my mouth writes checks my butt can't cash. He was a little harsh but I deserved it, he doesn't sugar coat things. That is part of why I love him, because like a true friend, hes not afraid to tell me when I messed up, or that I am wrong. Some girls may be offended by this, but I understand where he is coming from and that the criticism is good for me.I know I have never been one to hold my tongue, and especially with him.I don't know what it is about him, but usually I bottle up my feelings, with him I spill my guts every time.

The second thing I learned from all of this is that I can't live without him. Just the thought of him leaving me, just kills me. I hate whenever he is in pain, and knowing I caused some of that plus promising him I would never hurt him, makes me hate myself. These fights were on Saturday, so its been a few days now, but it still hurts me to know that I caused him pain. Now, he has more or less forgiven me, and I am starting to forgive myself and things are getting back to normal. Today he went in for skin cancer surgery, he is alright now just a little sore I would like to thank my friend Anya for helping me pray for him. She's one of the few people in the world that comes close to understanding just how deep my feelings are for him. We haven't quite been dating two months and I already know I could spend a lifetime in his arms. Call me crazy, and I will admit I am crazy...for him! . Lesson of the day: Next time you are upset by something you think someone is doing, Stop and think. Is it really worth getting in a fight over? and Is that person someone you want to lose? If the answers are both no, then bite back the words you were going to say, and just let them explain before you fly off the handle.Well, that's all for now. Goodnight All!!

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Fantasy Is Better Than Reality...(unless your living in a dream)

Yeah, so I haven't blogged in a really long time. And I guess its time to get off my duff and write. I really have nothing interesting to talk about or anything witty to say and its 7:00 in the morning give me a break. Well as for things with Scott, they are great. We had a few shaky times, when things didn't look too promising but,
everything turned out in the end, and now we are better than ever. I got to talk to him for a while yesterday, and he'd been sick for a while. In the few days when he wasn't online I was under a lot of pressure, and yeah those days sucked. I really learned just how much I need him when
he's not there. So, yeah I'm just waiting for him to get
online so we can talk again, but in all honesty I really want to actually meet him. I know this whole affair sounds crazy to a person with half a brain, but I really am hopelessly in love with him. This is a huge risk, I know. He could be lying, but I believe in my heart the things he tells me. My friend keeps trying to reason with me, but at this point I am beyond that. I have permanently shut off my brain and am solely living from what my heart is telling me. So far, my heart has been right on the money. Scott is and always will be the sweetest boy alive in my heart. I dream about him and my arms reach out involuntarily for him, but of course I wake up and he's not there. Then reality sinks in, that he's a thousand miles away. Some days its best to not even get out of bed, my dreams are so much better than real life. But no matter what happens, I will never stop caring about him. The first love is the last you'll forget and I never intend to forget him. Its crazy that my first relationship was long distance. Its crazy how far away he is. Its crazy how much I care for someone I've never met. Its crazy how in love we are. Yeah, in a nutshell...Its fricken crazy.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Facing The Past, and The Present.

I felt the sun overhead, but because of a gentle breeze, it was still cool. My first thought was "Where am I?" I looked down, and marveled at what I saw. I was dressed in a white cotton gown that fell just below my knees. I felt my hair; it was curled and I could feel flowers in it. I felt like some fairy child. My gaze fell to my feet that were bare and I was standing on some kind of red carpet in the middle of the forest. I looked forward and saw the carpet stretching out as far as I could see. I took a step, it was warm and soft beneath my toes. I began walking down it. That's when they arrived. The faces literally came out of nowhere. They were standing on either side of the carpet I was traveling and I had no choice but to walk past each and everyone of them.They were all the people I had met online that summer.

Some faces smiled, some looked down, others glared. These were the people I had hurt, lied to, laughed with and fallen in love with. Some I recognized right away, while some I had no idea who they were. I saw Garrack, he just looked down, as did Clifford. Renz smiled and waved at me. Chris game me a blank stare. There were more faces I didn't know. Some looked like they wanted to kill me, or worse. Next in line were my Kaplan friends Mary, Harlie, and little baby Zachariah.They wore bright faces, they smiled and waved at me. Next to them was Wil he made a face that made me giggle and I waved back. I looked to my left there was Joe, Reese, and Richie, none looked too happy to see me. "You hurt me" I heard one call out, I assumed it was Reese, but walked on without looking back. After them was Randy then Cole, whose eyes blazed with what appeared to be lust. I quickly turned away, trying to find someone. Everyone's here he surely had to be here as well. Instead I saw Alex, who had been hurt, and Jacob who I ignored. Then there was Chandler that lost his brother, JT that lost his dad, Aaron the boy in the band and then my heart fell. There was Josh, who just looked brokenly at me. "How could you, Angel!!" he yelled. I flinched at the steel in his voice and the use of his special nick name for me. I hurried on, past all the faces, it was nightmarish. I began to run  faster and faster, the people began to dissipate into the fog. That's when I hit a wall or what appeared to be a wall. When I looked up it wasn't a wall I was standing in front of, it was a man, and not the one I had been looking for either. In fact, it was the last man on earth I wanted to see, Mooyo.

The sun seemed to darken and the fog swept around us. I shivered in the now chilly wind. He glared at me with steel gray eyes. I had never seen him before, but somehow I knew it was him. He was a good 6 years older than me, and I really didn't like him but somehow I had lead him on. I didn't mean to, and before I could tell him I wasn't interested in him it had been too late. Now, here he was, standing a mere two inches away from me, and I could not get away. I tried to turn around and run the other way, but he grabbed my wrists and held me in place. "Oh no you don't.You're not going anywhere" he said harshly. "Let me go!!" I screamed but it did no good. I was hopeless to fight him, he was far too strong. "You are going to tell me why you deleted and blocked me." I looked at him, like he was insane. "You were 22 years old! The things you said to me creeped me out, and besides I like someone else!" I retorted, trying to hold my own. "Well, that's just too bad that your 'someone else' can't be here right now to save your sorry hide." the evil glint in his eyes made my blood run cold. He roughly handled me and was leaning down about to kiss me, but I kicked and fought him off. This angered him even more, and he hit me square across the cheek. "You blasted, ungrateful wretch." He leaned down to kiss me yet again, but stopped dead in his tracks at a voice behind my head.

"Let her go." Three words was all that was spoken but it turned the evil villain into a  heartless coward. I spun around to see my 'Knight in Shining Armor'. "Scottie!" I shouted and tried to run toward him, but my arms were still locked in Mooyo's overly large hands. "I said to let her go." Scott's voice was calm, but laced with anger. His eye's held the same steel in them and I noted the scars on his face. It would kill me to see him hurt again. So, to avoid the two getting in a fight, I did what I had to do. While Mooyo was distracted by Scott's presence, I lifted my hand and sank my teeth into his. He hollered and was about to strike me when I gave him a swift kick, right in the crotch. As I had hoped, he fell to his knees. I took the opportunity to kick him in the side of the head. "And you were wrong by the way, My certain 'someone else' would come for me!" I turn and ran right into Scott's open arms.

"Honey, you did great!" he complimented. I could only grin at his words. How many times had I dreamed of this? I pulled back from his embrace to see him. I took in his whole appearance; the brown hair that fell onto his forehead, the light smattering of freckles on his nose, the liquid brown eyes framed by thick eyebrows. I again saw the scars and I kissed them as if I could heal them by my touch. First, the one on his head from his tumor surgery. Then, the ones on his eyebrow from the fight with his father. I knew there would soon be another on his check, so I kissed it too. Finally, I kissed the one on his lip, and let it linger while he kissed me back. My arms were tangled around him, and his around me. Our breath mingled together as the kiss deepened and the skies opened. Rain began to fall around us and blurred my vision and soon it began to fade completely. Before I knew it, it was sunny again. Light poured through my bedroom window, it was morning. That's when I realized it had all been a dream. Mooyo had never been there, and Scott was still far away in North Carolina. I couldn't help but be a little disappointed.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

The True Story of Love and Romance

From the start we were against the odds. The skeptics said we didn’t have a chance. Neither realistic nor superstitious people believe in us. Our long distance relationship started on Friday the Thirteenth. It doesn’t stand a chance, Right? Well, we are out to prove them all wrong. I am a Nebraskan country girl, he is a North Carolina beach boy, but we just make sense. We have a lot in common, and there’s no way in hell I am ever going to let him go. We both had rough pasts, and have a lot of baggage. Together we will find a way to bypass the pain and hurt in our lives, and find love and hope in each other. But, how can you fall in love with someone who lives across the country? Don’t ask me to explain how it happened it just did. The only thing I am absolutely sure of right now is that I love Richard Scott Hanson with all of my heart. This is our story; it’s the story of our love and our life. (Insert long and beautiful romance novel) You see, there really isn’t a story yet. I know someday there will be one, and I can go back and fill in the blank. But for now, all I can say is that I love him, and he loves me and we’re crazy…for each other.

I have known Scottie for a few months now, I’m not quite sure how long. We have been dating a little over 2 weeks. So, after such a short time, how can I be in love with him? Like I said before, I’m not sure how it all happened, but it did. I am glad it did, because frankly it’s the best thing that has ever happened to me. I won’t trade his love for anything in the world, and I don’t ever want to be with another guy. Even if we do separate someday, I will never stop loving him. Because loving him is like breathing, it is vital to living. If I stop loving him I will die. There are no if’s, and’s, or but’s about it. I have saved several of our conversations, all of his pictures and some of his messages to me. I have written songs and poems for him, where I profess my undying love for him. I know I sound like I should be in a psych ward, but believe me no one on earth could love Scott, as much as I do. It could be the fact that he is like unlike any other guy I have ever met, or simply the fact that he is strong, sensitive, sweet and caring. He is a true miracle, he has taught me some very valuable lessons, and he is all that keeps me going. I love him more than my life, and I don’t care who knows. I hope everyone in the world can find a love like that, because it truly is the greatest thing on earth and I thank God everyday for putting Scott in my life.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

A Day In The Life Of...

I am currently laying in bed, feeling as sick as a dog. My sinus are all plugged up, and my head feels like its about to explode into a thousand pieces. I have recently started to feel nauseated, and the glands in my neck are all swollen and it hurts to move my head. My best friend right now is my pillow and my box of kleenx's, both of which are right beside me. Lets just say its been a rough week. School hasn't gone that terrible bad, its just the fact that I am in school. My week started with a big fight with Scott, that I am totally to blame for. I was feeling in that desperate, jealous, pity-party kind of way. I saw he said some other girl was sweet, and I got jealous, and doubted his feelings for me. After he explained the whole thing, I felt like an idiot, and I spent the next two days apologizing non-stop, while he ignored me. I had a long conversation with my mother, and my best friend Harlie, and thanks to the two of them, we are back together. But I haven't talked to him much these last few day and its rather depressing.

Speaking of depressing, my day has been rather depressing. Not only the sickness part of it, but the parental part. The past few days I have been fighting them for everything under the sun. They think that they can run my life, and make all my decisions for me.  My dad wants me to work for him next summer, which may pay good, but it's very stressful work and its jut not what I want to do. He also wants me to buy a cow, to invest my money in. Well, maybe I want to do something else. Have you ever considered me in your stupid plans? Then, when I tell them that I am sick, they accuse me of being anorexic, and hypochondriac. For one second they can't stop and listen to me. I know my body, maybe not that well, but I know that I feel like crap. Honestly, I think there is something seriously wrong with me, but they won't believe me. They just say I am trying to get attention, and to get out of working. They say they care about me, so once in a while they have to do something nice, so I can't say they are always mean. Take today for instance, my mom let me use the dishwasher to wash dishes for a change. Oh wow, Mom, that is really making you out to be such a sweet, and caring mother. When I went to my Modern Woodmen Speech Contest, you happened to walk in late, and when I won all you had to say to me was "Are you ready to go home". There was no "Congratulations" or "Good Job" no, she didn't even smile at me. Yeah, well that's just another day in the life of a Teenage Romantic.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Back To School....I Would Totally Run Away...

Well. I have been back in school now for two days. My classes are all pretty good, but there are some that I have a few problems with. First hour I have English, which is peachy, then American History, and Biology. Those three classes are pretty cool with me, they are all with my whole class. Then I have Art, which I have no talent for, but it filled in the empty spot in my schedule. Sixth hour is Geometry, which I absolutely suck at. Anything math related, makes me so frustrated, because I just don't get it sometimes. I still will end up practically acing it, though. I get so worked up over it, that I have been known to throw things across the room, and I once broke a calculator over my head, because I was so mad. Math is always right before lunch, too, so I am always hungry and with this stupid anemia crap it is even worse. After lunch, is my amazing Spanish class. It is probably my favorite, because there are three sometimes four of us. Dustin, is my best friends boyfriend, and hes been my buddy for two years; Anthony a.k.a. (Chubbs), had Spanish with me last year and we had some good times together; Sometimes Brianne will be there, and I have known her since I was little. Spanish is basically a goof off class, but I really love it! Then I have study hall with Mrs. Walsh, and every other day I am the only girl, which is cool with me. Then I have my terrifying speech class, which I am the only sophomore in a group of juniors and senior. That is pretty scary for me, but since I am not a terrible public speaker I think I will live.

Why do you ask, am I so positive right now? Well I have met an angel/my personal savior, Scott. He understands me, he makes me smile when I feel like crying, and he never lets me feel sorry for myself. The greatest thing to ever happen to me, was to accidentally run across him. I know, no matter how hard my day was, he will be there at night to let me vent out my feelings. This year, I know, is going to be hard, but with God's grace, and Scott's love I can make it. I also have decided if any drastic crisis does happen, I have what it takes to run away to him. North Carolina is really far away, but if I had to, I would go find him. He is worth it, and I would do anything to be with him, and to take away his pain. Even if i had to suffer, I would save him. He means more to me than anyone on earth, and right now he is doubling as Boyfriend and Best friend. I can really, and honestly can say that I love him more than anything else on earth...forever.

Friday, August 13, 2010

I'm Falling For You, Don't Catch Me I Love The Rush...[adrenaline junkie]

Ahhh! there is finally a sense of security, of safety in my heart. I found out what I wanted, I went after it, and I got it. I won the heart of Scott Hanson. I am the happiest girl in the world tonight. It started yesterday when we started talking. We became best friends, then pals, then we decided this morning to fake date, to piss off his ex. But I loved him, and we told each other how we felt. I told him I was falling for him, and he was falling for me. Well, after talking all day yesterday, and all day today, we are in love. I hate the fact that he lives so far away, its over 1500 miles, but we are connected at heart. He has been gone a couple hours, and I miss him so much. I know I sound like just another naive, lovestruck child, but I have known Scott a long time, and he let me in on parts of his life that no one has ever known. He told me the heart wrenching tale of his parents, and nothing in this world has touched me that way before. I cried for a boy I have never even met before. He is a gentleman, but he can be a bad boy. Its the perfect combination for me. If only he lived closer, then we could date for real.

Scott is so much different than any guy I have ever met. He is the only guy online I have ever prayed for. I have no idea why, but Scott was different then anyone else, he was always different. He is the only guy I have ever said " I love you" to, or said it was ok if he kissed me. Because, Scott is different, he opened up to me, and he taught me a very valuable lesson, that life isn't so hard. He is a constant reminder that, no matter what I go through I can make it, because he did. In his pictures his eyes look so sad. I wish I could kiss them and erase all the pain in them. I want to kiss the frown off his face. I hope someday I will see him smile. He admitted to me, that he is bald right now because of his surgery. I think he thought I would reject him, but it honestly doesn't bother me. Hair grows back, and I cant be there to see him anyway. I just wish I could. Right now I would do anything to be with him, and that is the full truth.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Who Do I Choose? I Think I Know Now.

Well, an update on the love life: Single. Confusion, pretty much explains the last few days, but now I think I have finally made up my mind what I want. An update on the four main guys, Wil is in love with another girl, but her parents won't let them date because he is a senior. Blake has his girlfriend, of a couple years now. Scott is wanted by hundreds of girls across the country. Josh is a sweet guy, he sang for me on the phone, and he stood up for me. He accepts all the dorkiness about me, and likes to joke around.He told his family about me, and the other night he said that he loved me. From all of this you can about imagine who I would choose. Josh seems to be the obvious answer. Well, there is a part of this puzzle that is missing.

This morning, I was talking to Scott, and he let me in on a piece of his past that I honestly don't think any girl has ever known. He is alone in life, his parents left him with his uncle two years ago. If it were not for him, he would have been left in a foster home. As I have said before he had to go to the hospital, because of his tumor and girls have broken his heart too many times. I felt so bad for complaining about my life, when his was so much worse. The past couple of days, I thought about Josh, and how great I thought he was. Then, today after talking with my best friend on the phone, I finally got my life into perspective, and I know now that Josh and I could never work. There are things about him that just don't agree with me. It feels like I am forcing feelings with him, that just aren't there. He may be a friend, but that is all, I can't date him. Scott keeps coming back into my head, and despite the competition he seems to be the only one I want to talk to. Right now I am expecting a call from Josh, but I really would rather talk to Scott more than anyone else. I know that sounds bad, but I can't help my feelings for the poor, lonely boy inside of him. Wil was just a friend,  Blake was a fairy tale, and Josh was a distraction,  but Scott has always been the one.

Monday, August 9, 2010

WARNING: Information Overload. a.k.a. (Massive Confusion Epidemic)

Let me just start out by stating the obvious; I am very, horribly, confused. When will I ever get over boys?? Currently I have four boys in my head. First one is Wil, he will forever be stuck inside my skull, because I can't get him out. He doesn't do distance relationships, so we are just friends for now. But, I can't help but notice, I have stronger feelings and more in common with him than any other guy. He is just too darn cute, and funny.

Second boy in my head is Scott. He told me he loved me twice yesterday and once today, not that I'm counting. But it doesn't mean that much coming from him, because he talks to so many girls. He has over two thousand girls on Tagged!! I was curious once so I looked on his friend list, and he has 13 Amanda's, 8 Amber's, and at least 4 Angela's. I am obviously not the first person he has said I love you to. I do care about him, a great deal, but I don't want to have to compete with all those other girls. I would rather just stay out of his mess of a life, but he's just too darn charming.

Then I keep falling back to Blake. He is the boy from the post "The Boy On Crutches Stopped To Help." He was the boy who helped me when everything fell out of my bag. I've known him going on four years and he has never hurt me, but he could never like me. Lately, every time I close my eyes I see him, and its scaring me, because I thought I had gotten over him. When I see him online my heart doesn't skip a beat like it does when Wil is online, it just tingles a little. I don't know what to think, but I better figure out quick, because school is almost here.

Now, there is a new guy. His name is Josh, hes 16 from Pennsylvania. I talked to him for a while and he seemed like a pretty decent guy. We ended up adding each other on Facebook, and chatting on there for a while. He asked me out, but I turned him down, because of the distance. But the thing that made me think about him was this; he stood up for me like no one has done before. It was an accidental thing, but it is kind of hilarious, to me anyway. I was telling him about my dad, and Mooyo (creepy 22 year old stalker, from previous post), in the same message. He asked me what he said, and I thought he was talking about my dad so I said that he called me stupid and worthless. He actually meant Mooyo, so he sent a nasty message to him. When he showed me the message, I cracked up and told him that my dad said that, not Mooyo. I told him how much I appreciated it either way and now (Thank God) Mooyo leaves me alone. I haven't talked to Josh since last night, but I know he isn't the ladies man that, I know Wil, and Scott are. He's just sweet, and he doesn't push me into anything.

Hopefully, I can clear my head so I can choose who I should really be with. My thoughts are so wild there is no way I can catch them from bouncing around in my cranium, if anyone has advice, it would be nice to receive some instead of dishing it out all the time. That's All Folks.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

I'm Sorry, But Your Age Is Way Out Of My Comfort Zone!!

Lately on Tagged, I have been attracting 20-year old guys. They are at least five years older than me, and they give me the creeps. I just want to shout "Hello, Dude, can't you foresee a possible problem here? I'm only FIFTEEN!!!!" The first guy at least quit talking to me after he found out I was a little young for him (he was 26). Then the next guy, who by the way has a hilarious name (Mooyo, no lie!! haha), he like fell in love with me. I was talking to him, like I would talk to anyone, and somehow I must have lead him on. He seemed interesting, because he used to live in Europe and he knew 4 different language. He also lived fairly close to me, in Des Moines, Iowa. Well, I soon found out this guy wasn't 16, and his name was definitely not Mike Armstrong. He was freaking 22 years old, and now he's obsessed with me. Can you say Creepy? He has sent me 3 tags, which are like animated  picture things, and the are kisses and roses. I try to be nice to the guy, but its like, come on seriously? Then he constantly wants me to come visit him. Well, I am a crappy driver, and there is no way in hell I am driving four and a half hours just to visit a 22 year old pedophile.

This morning has not been good. My brother has been sick all day and my dad has a major case of the Cranky Pants, which is a very serious condition if you dare to cross him. At 8:00 this morning some guy added me on Tagged. He was very cute, wait scratch that; he was totally gorgeous!! So naturally, I added him back and before long he sent me a message. He was different than most guys, he took me by surprise when he didn't start out flirting with me. He just wondered why I was up so early. Apparently, he had a dream that woke him up, which is really weird because I had one last night too. It was scary everything around me was on fire, and I could only run in slow motion.  Anyway, we chatted for a while, and he seemed to be pretty interesting. Then, here he tells me he is 20 years old. I am like "Wow, how does this keep happening?" I mean 20 isn't terrible, its 5 years older, but its old enough. I have a stinking suspicion that he just wants in my pants anyway. Well, another day, another creeper. Hopefully, I get better luck soon.

Friday, August 6, 2010

Ya Think I Would Learn After Time # 999,999

Alright, well I have learned my lesson over and over again. When will I learn? Guys online are not who they say they are, so don't fall in love. My friends keep reminding me not to, but I do anyway. There was a guy I really thought I liked but, he must not have felt the same. So, this time I am going to take the advice of my friends. From here on out, I will only be friends with guys. I have a few good guy friends on Tagged, and I guess that's all I can ask for. They are three totally different guys, but each have their good qualities.

Chris is 17, and from New Hampshire. He likes baseball and cars. I have spent hours today trying to convince him he is not fat. When I see he is online, I just go "Huh, cool." (Indifference). Scott is 15 from North Carolina. He likes surfing, he is the one I was talking about in previous blog. He's had his heart broken a few too many times. He is a sweetheart, and if we lived closer, I'd date him in a heartbeat. When he is online, I go "Yayy Scottie!!" (Like) Then there is Wil, he is 17 and from Iowa [Yay, only 3 hours away!]. I have written numerous blogs about him. He likes baseball, swing sets, alternate rock music, Taylor Swift, The Cardinals, strawberry ice cream...I could go on forever. I have talked to him for a long time, and every day I like him more and more. When I see he is online first I grin and my heart goes into overdrive, then I say "Crap, crap, crap, I want to talk to him, but I don't want to seem too desperate. Oh my gosh, would it kill him to start the conversation." (That is getting pretty close to the big L word). I haven't dropped the word for a while, and hopefully I wont anytime soon, for my own good.

Well, That's All Folks!

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Will Boys Ever Learn?

I met this guy on the internet a few weeks back. I know, I am always meeting some guy, and he is always better than the last guy.Usually they never go anywhere, but I sense this guy is different. I know we would never work, because he lives across the country from me, but he is a really sweet guy. The thing with Scott, is that he has had his heart broken a few too many times, and it is all because of the same girl.

He has dated the same girl three times in a row. The first time she cheated on him, and the second time she accused him of cheating on her. Well, they have recently broken up again, although I'm not sure why. When I met him, he was breaking up with her the second time. He was going into the hospital to get a tumor removed, that the doctors thought might have been cancer. He was going through a lot of pressure, and that is when she left him. I couldn't help but feel for him. He was all alone in a hospital bed, lonely and scared. He said he just wanted someone to be with him to help him through. I was all he had then, and I prayed for him that night.

The next morning I got a message from him saying that that he was alright, and the tumor wasn't cancerous. I noticed later, his ex wrote on his Tagged profile, saying she was sorry and she wanted to make it up to him. Well, in a few days they were back together, and I left them be. I told him I would always be there for him, and be a friend. I hadn't talked  to him in a week or two, until last night. I noticed his status and I thought he was hurting again, apparently I was right. This morning he is single again, and I hope its the last time he goes after her. I told him last time not to do anything he would regret, and not to get hurt again. After three times, will he ever learn? I hope so for both our sakes, because I hate seeing him hurt. I have a soft spot for sweet guys like him, and seeing him so upset makes me sad. Will the boy ever learn his lesson? Heaven help him.

Monday, August 2, 2010

The Boy On Crutches Stopped To Help

Ahhh! There is nothing like eating Raisin Bran, for lunch at 1:00 in the afternoon, with a spoon that was once caught in the garbage disposer, and savoring a stolen Hostess cupcake, while blogging about nothing important. Days are often quite like this, in life of a teenage romantic. I could write a book on all the odd habits, and stupid things I do, because I am a romantic. Being a romantic is pretty simple, if you are a unique person. You just have to love loving people, which I do rather extensively. I wanted to fall in love since I was eight years old. I watched a Danielle Steel's movie with my mom called Zoya. It interested me in two ways, there was the history in it about the Russian Revolution, that I enjoyed, and the obvious romantic reason.

After that, I was a romantic forever. I started crushing on boys when I was in fourth grade. Of course, back then it was really nothing to get worked up over. There was a boy I kind of liked, but it never went farther than that. There were a few others in fifth and sixth grade, but in all honesty, It actually took a lot for me to like a guy. The odd thing about me is that, besides the fact that I am a romantic; I am also a realist. You would think the two together would clash, but they work pretty well for me. For instance, I know better than to fall in love with a singer or a movie star, or even some cute guy, that really doesn't have anything in common with me. I just know better. There is one exception to that rule, and the only time I have fallen really hard for someone I shouldn't have. It was one of those love-at-first-sight deals. This was the biggest, most secretive, and dangerous crushes a girl could have.

Yeah, I thought I liked boys before, but I was way wrong. It wasn't just his good looks, or his popularity. It was simply how nice he was. He had personality, and maturity like no one I have ever met. It took me three years to get over this crush. Three years of crying myself to sleep, and thinking about him. When he got hurt and had to go on crutches, I would sometimes hold the door for him, and carry his stuff to the next class. I was sure to never seem overly excited to help him and be near him. We had a few things in common, but whenever we were alone in a room, it just felt awkward. Sometimes he talked to me, usually he was quiet. But, he was always polite, and smiling. The one time I was helping him with homework in Health class, (ok it was more like I gave him the answers to most of the question.) and our elbows touched. I felt like an electric current had gone through me, and I practically jumped out of my skin. Then there was the time I had been walking with my backpack open and all my books fell out. My friends laughed at me and walked away. I was frustrated and embarrassed, but when I reached down to start collecting my stuff, he leaned down too, and helped pick up my books and hand them to me. At the time, he was on crutches too! My friends walked away and the boy on crutches stopped to help. See, this was why I liked the kid. He is and always will be a sweet guy, but I had to move on. I still think about him a lot, sometimes when I close my eyes I see his face laughing and smiling. I have to prepare myself, because in a few short weeks I have to go back to school and face those blue eyes again. Hopefully, the summer made me stronger, but you just never know.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Why I Hate Lecture Sessions & Want To Fall Madly In Love.

I've just spend a good hour of my life in Lecture Session with my parents. They seem to think that my life has entered Self Destruct mode, and I am rapidly getting worse. The actual content of the lecture is way to complicated to talk about, and most people wouldn't understand. Lets just say they think I am wasting my life on the internet talking to people, avoiding my work, and ok maybe I don't eat the way I should. Half of the time they were talking I had my head buried in pillows refusing to even look at them across the room. I pretended to fall asleep (but I was pretty close anyway), and forever later I finally heard "Well, its getting late you two should head to bed." I didn't want to make it seem too obvious that I had been waiting  over an hour to hear that. I just laid there, like I really was sleeping until my mom said my name. I mumbled something inaudible  before giving her a hug and restraining myself from sprinting from the room.

My parents have never understood me, nor will they ever, because they just don't take the time. My mom is the only one that even knows I like to write. My family just assumes I'm on the computer all the time talking to friends. While I spend a good share of my time talking to people, I spend a lot of it writing and reading other people's work on They have no idea the dreams, and goals I have set out for my future. They have no clue that I want to fall in love. I have never had anything close to love in my life before. I do care about my friends and family and it some weird, twisted way it is form of love. But I want the true, undiluted, pure, passionate love. I know I am too young, and naive to have that, but is it so hard to come by these days?

There actually is someone I met online, that I really like. I have never met him of course, but I actually have blogged about him before. We have so much in common, even little silly meaningless things, but it gives us something to talk about. Some how, we just connected, and I believe I could tell him almost anything. Well, except for the fact that I probably like him a little more than he likes me. My heart beats double time, when I see he is online, and he just makes me smile. There isn't anything I would change about him, other than the fact that I always start the conversation, and after a while he just stops talking to me. At first, that was really frustrating, but as the weeks go on it doesn't bother me as much. He is just unpredictable, that's all. My friends sometimes think I fall too hard and too fast for people, but that never matters when there is someone to catch you. Unfortunately, I have never had someone to catch me. So, we are just "friends" for now, and probably forever. Huh, that's my life for you. Now, every time I close my eyes I see the face of this guy I had a crush on. I guess it's maybe a getting-over-him-thing, but who know? In my life there is nothing stable or predictable, nothing to lean on and nothing that will always be there no matter what.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Confessions of a Teenage (insert descriptive word)

I know the title says I'm a romantic, which is of course true. However, that is not the only thing I am. I am also a procrastinator. I always put things off until the last minute. I am famous for starting things I never finish. I have tried to write a half a dozen books since I was in 6th grade. The furthest I have gotten was like 2 chapters. Then I lose interest, and sometimes I just don't know where to go, or what to write. With short poems, and songs I can finish my thoughts up. It's the same way with running; I am no distance runner. I am good at short, fast sprints, but when it comes to the mile...epic failure. No lie, I would crash and burn before I got halfway to the finish line, which is part of the reason I don't do competitive sports. I like playing volleyball, but the practice is not worth the playing time.

I also (as you can see) get caught chasing rabbit trails. I started out talking about procrastinating, and end up talking about volleyball. I do this with all sorts of things, and I tend to get a little off subject sometimes. Talking to people online I have also learned something about myself. I talk a lot more then everyone else. In person I hardly talk at all, but typing is just different. One word conversations just don't fly with me. Its like an invisible silence is in the chat, and I must fill the void with as many words as fast as I can. That way the silence doesn't become a black hole and sucks us into it, and we are never seen again. Very few people accept that, and those that do are probably my best friends. Funny thing, that most the chatty girls in person, are the one word repliers with texting or chat. I am the shy one in public, but I can type a lot in a chat.

Lastly, I am a little too self critical. I see my work and I think it sucks. No matter what it is, a poem, a cover, or just my appearance in general. My friends spend half of their time trying to convince me that, I am not as lousy as I feel. I am most definitely, not as good as they think I am. They are a little biased I think, and as a rule, you can't be too critical to a friend. The goal of friendship is to accept everyone just they way they are. But for a change, I want someone to rip my work apart, and tell me what I can improve on. I know I will never be a great writer, but I want to be the best I can be, in everything I do.

Friday, July 30, 2010

I'm back, and its really me this time.

We are all humans, and lets face it, we are NEVER satisfied with ourselves. This is the third title change for my blog. It was originally My Very Incredibly Unique Life, but as anyone can see, my life is pretty dull. Then it went to Girl of A Thousand Heartaches, but that made me seem more depressed than I really am. So here we go, Title number 3; Adventures of a Teenage Romantic. Hopefully it will stay this way for a while. I think I am finally happy with my blog the way it is, but I still can't get the blue off the background so if anyone can help me out I would appreciate it greatly. I can be a little computer handicapped at times.

I have had writers block for nearly a week and its driving me insane. I have been working on two books at the same time, and neither is really passed the first chapter. So instead, I have been putting together covers for them. I have two covers made but the one cover is too wide for the website I am posting them on. Since, I have been spending a lot of time on the internet, writing and making covers I have neglected the house chores a little bit. That resulted in getting my bedroom door taken away, luckily its back now. I wont be able to do very much writing today, because I have to work (which is very rare for me in the summer). Anyway, I just thought I would let you all know, that I am, indeed, still alive and fully functioning. Not just adding poems and other mindless things on here. So, I'm off to mow for 5 or so hours straight. Have a great day, all!

Friday, July 23, 2010

I Dance Alone

I fell out of love
So I hit the club
I don't want no one around
Just turn the music up loud
Leave your drink on the table
You don't read my label
Sorry if you get the wrong impression
I came here to lose depression

I Dance Alone
You can't take me home
You want to play this game?
You'll go down with shame.
So let the games begin
I'll bet “all in”
Your one night stand
Is a losing hand
You can't take me home
Cause I dance alone

Just get off back
Don't talk like that!
Ya say that love is all you want
But I'm the prey in your stupid hunt
Well, here is a news flash
I don't like your white trash
Boy,why don't you show some gratitude
You don't mess with my attitude

I Dance Alone
You can't take me home
You want to play this game?
You'll go down with shame.
So let the games begin
I'll bet “all in”
Your one night stand
Is a losing hand
You can't take me home
Cause I dance alone

I just want to dance
You don't have a chance
To play with my heart
I'll never fall apart
Won't ever let down my guard
Because my heart is scarrred
So just leave me be
Now you can see

I Dance Alone
You can't take me home
You want to play this game?
You'll go down with shame.
So let the games begin
I'll bet “all in”
Your one night stand
Is a losing hand
You can't take me home
Cause I dance alone
You can't take me home
You want to play this game?
You'll go down with shame.
So let the games begin
I'll bet “all in”
Your one night stand
Is a losing hand
You can't take me home
Cause I dance alone


I'm wishing right now I wasn't alone
I'd do anything to make you come home
But when there's nothing left to do
That's when I want to be with you
But something stops me every time
I catch up, yet I fall behind
I want so bad to be yours
But you close up all the doors
In one swift motion
Like a sick love potion
I fall down on my knees
And I cry myself to sleep
Will I ever get some rest?
I feel the heart beat in my chest
And wonder why I care so much
I cant go on without your touch
I'm wrapped around your fingers
In my head, your picture lingers
Tell me why should I go on?
Stealing light from the dawn
It would be easier to do
Then trying to get over you.
I know I should put the pain aside
Try to mask the tears I hide
Wrap on a big, warm smile
And endeavor to forget awhile
But I already know it's futile

Sunday, July 18, 2010

My Last Few Days

Lately I haven't blogged very much. I have been drained with stress, and also anemia. Its not serious so I not worried, it just makes me tired and have a loss of appetite. I have been laying around the house, and kind of being a sloth, barely moving and lacking in the ambition area. I have accomplished very little, reading romance novels on the internet, becoming an alternate rock junkie-practically overnight-, making a video for my friend (the one posted on my previous blog.) and trying to figure out what the point is in my life.

Now, I'm not extremely happy by any means, but I am better than I have been. Now that the certain someone that-I'm-not so sure how I feel about him,  is back from playing baseball in Texas, I have been feeling better. I am smiling again, just talking to him online makes me happy. In all honestly, I have never met the object of my apparent attraction. We just stumbled across each other online. He was nice, cute and apparently we have a  lot in common. I can pretty much tell him anything, because really it doesn't matter what he knows, he can't spread rumors about me if he doesn't even know me. But to some extend, yes, he does know me I have told him things even some of my closest friends don't know. He just seems to get me and everything we talk about just seems to prove a chemistry between us. Maybe its just me, but I have been starved for male attention for so long now. I try to tell myself that he and I will never be anything more than friends, but deep down I hope it isn't true.

So here I sit, laptop on my lap, Stitches in my heart (well not technically) and a faint nausea in my stomach. Most of the sickness has died down by now, but it still lingers when I stand up too fast when I've been sitting a while. And another thing I hate talking to someone when occasionally you have to ask them if they're still there. It just gets on my nerves and if you ask why I brought it up, its because I am in one of those conversations at the moment. With the 'ahem' boy, I need to come up with some secret name so I can talk about him all I want and never have to say his real name. I was going to go with Shorty but I received new information today and discovered he is three inches taller than me, so that is out of the question. Maybe I'll have to go with John Dough 2, but that sounds too suspicious like he was involved in the bombing of the Murrah building. I have just been going with HE, and HIM whenever referring to him when I talk to my best friend. Then I got to all the silly nicknames calling him Willy, William, Wilbur, and of course my best friends favorite Wil-I-Am. I guess when I come up with something, my Blog followers, you will be the first to know, ok so my only Blog Follower is my best friend and she will already know, because I tell her everything. Oh well.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Maggie, and Me!!

This video is for my Maggie! And all of my friends that have made so many good memories with me. I love you all so, so much!

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

When the rain falls down, thoughts of him flood my brain. I feel completely lost without his face on my screen. I hope that he liked breaking the heart of an innocent girl.Through sorrow and heartbreak, sometimes there's someone that is always there for you. Someone you really don't deserve, but they love you unconditionally. Someone that is there for you no matter what life throws at you, or on occasion when life tends to throw YOU. There is always someone there that never lets you down. That catches you when you dive head first off a cliff. Sometimes God is looking down over your shoulder, and places someone in your life to get you through all the painful times. I am lucky to have someone that will never leave me, and i have several of those people. Thank you, God, for Lexi, Juliana, Anya, Stevey, and of course Wil. I am forever indebted to you....

Sunday, July 11, 2010

My Wil To Live

I havent known you all that long
But I just had to write this song
And its about time you see
Just how much you mean to me

You hold me down
Without you around
I'd fall off the ground
You're the courage behind my fears
You're the laughter in my tears
You're the only thing that got me here

You give me strength
The reason for my faith
You have my heart
Its all I can give
You are my comfort
My Wil to live

First thing you said to me was “hey”
I think I fell in love that day
But I'm not gonna say
You didnt let me feel sorry for myself
And you told me, I should be like nobody else
Now its time to see
Why you make me so happy

You hold me down
Without you around
I'd fall off the ground
You're the courage behind my fears
You're the laughter in my tears
You're the only thing that got me here

You give me strength
The reason for my faith
You have my heart
Its all I can give
You are my comfort
My Wil to live

When my battery is about to die
You're like a charger full of life
I can't explain it, the way im feeling
I just think my heart is finally healing
And you got me believing

And,You hold me down
Without you around
I'd fall off the ground
You're the courage behind my fears
You're the laughter in my tears
You're the only thing that got me here

You give me strength
The reason for my faith
You have my heart
Its all I can give
You are my comfort
My Wil to live
(my wil to liveee, my wil live)

I know I havent known me all that long
But my hearts cant stop singing this songggg.

Friday, July 9, 2010

The Story of My Hometown

The Story of My Hometown:
Oakdale, Nebraska

There's a story to tell, a story to know
The story of my hometown, many years ago
It may look like a ghetto to you
Full of broken dreams that don't come true
But there is history in this ground
You'll catch a glimpse if you stick around
But things were different back then
I don't think it will be that way again

That asphalt road, it used to be dirt
And your car broke down when your horse got hurt
The old, broken-down, houses were once majestic
But now they are weathered and quite pathetic
The town was established in 1872
And began to grow when the railroad went through
This was the oldest town and the county seat
Until 1883 when it lost in defeat
But the pioneer people, they just didn't give up
They fought for their way of life, no matter what

Together they fought flu epidemics and drought
All they had were their neighbors and God, no doubt
The school they built in 1912 still stands today
They may have been stubborn, but they had their way
From the flour mill, to the railroad depot
They were strong and intelligent people
So don't look down on the people here, now
A hundred years after the *Pen and The Plow
We're still good people, so don't look down
Every time you drive through our broken little town
- Angela Richart

* The “Pen and The Plow” refers to Oakdale's second newspaper started in 1877

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

How I'm Made

I am extraordinary
No one is quite like me
I prefer to be myself
Don't need to be nobody else
I can play air guitar like no other
I have firm parents and older brothers
And we still fight, to this day
But thats just how I'm made

I only believe what I can see
I never sit and watch T.V.
Didn't need no guitar picks
I learned to play with my fingertips
And it might not sound pretty to you
But I play my heart out, true
Guess you can say
I do things the hard way
But that's just how I'm made

My parents never paid for cable
So I grew up with fairy tales and fables
About princes, and dragons
Then, white covered wagons
I was real fond of reading
And I dont show my feelings
I didnt grow up with a lot of toys
And I get nervous around most boys
I'm clumsy, I got no grace
But thats just how I'm made

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Big Green Dot!

Sometimes you are happy, sometimes you are sad. Right now there are honestly so many different emotions running about in my head. I don't know what I feel. I let someone in my heart, and they destroyed it. Then in a few short days I was fine again, and back to normal. But now someone else has walked into my life and captured my heart. I keep trying to get it back but it is impossible. He has no idea what he has taken from me, its a very vital organ not meant to be tampered with. He is just friends with me for now, but I cannot deny the feelings I have for him. He lives three long hours away, but from the second I saw his picture I felt something snap. I will never, ever be the same girl again. He has permanently changed me, and I don't know how to cope with the emotions tearing my apart right now. He is so cute, and sweet and funny. He makes my day just by simply existing. He could flip my world upside down if he wanted to. I don't know how I am supposed to handle this. It makes me want to cry, because I know he will never ask me out. We live too far away. But we have so much in common and I can tell he likes me, too. But fate has to be cruel. Around, Wil, I can be myself. I don't have to think about what I say, I just say things and they seem to be good enough for him. He accepts the fact that I am a good girl, and have rather strict parents. He makes me laugh more than one guy ever could. When I see he's online my heart skips a beat, and I live for the big green dot next to his name.
Ugh, when will I ever learn to listen to my brain over my heart? I know I will just keep dreaming about him, until the day when he stops replying to my messages. Until then I will still wait on the big, green dot.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

My Official Will and Tesament

You just never know when you are going to leave the world. So this is my Last Will and Testament.Everyone has important things in their life and these are the valuables I have that I want those I love to enjoy long after I am gone.

All of my happiness and joy goes to.....Lexi Sanderson(who really needs it)
All of my heart goes to...........................Reese Thomas(Because he stole it)
All of my laughter goes to......................My mother (who doesn't laugh enough)
All of my memories go to.......................Juliana Dunn(because she made most of them)
All of my money goes to.........................Mike Richart(who really needs it)
All of my dreams go to...........................Anya Clutter(because she always believed in mine)
All of my love goes to..............................My father(because he have enough)
All of my poems/songs go to.................Callie Kraft(who needs comfort)
All of my music goes to..........................Elizabeth Gonsauls(because she inspired it)
All of my personal possessions..............Mark & Matt Richart(because I can)
All of my pain..........................................Blake Anderson(because he broke my heart)

If you are one this list you have effected my life in some way..positively or negatively. I hope you all miss me! Because I will miss you all.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Wyoming out the back window

This is how it felt leaving Laramie, Wyoming after being there about three days. Of course, I have been there several times and I have family there. This is how attached I get to places that hold a lot of memories.W
yomin out the back window

Wyoming Out the Back Window

There goes Wyoming out the back window

Still don't know why we have to go

I just want to stay here for forever

We can go back, its now or never

This country is rugged, and oh so pretty

After this trip, I couldn't ever live in the city

So many memories, buried in this ground

It isn't too late, we can still turn around

Its the hardest thing to see, the worst thing to know

Wyoming is disappearing out the back window

Monday, June 14, 2010

Me:The Hardcore Writer

I have been writing since I learned how to hold a pencil. Sometimes I swear I was born with a pen in my hand, because it has been my constant companion since fourth grade. I was never an artist although I like sketching a little and drawing faces and hearts and such. If I see a pen and a clean sheet of paper, all I can think about is filling it with words, and sometimes pictures. There is something beautiful about the way a writer can make a phrase sound just right and make a whole poem flow. Sometimes they paint pictures in your mind as clear as a painter could on a canvas. But a writer can turn that painting to life, make it walk and talk. A picture just sits there, but a poem can tell a story, of adventure and romance. The Mona Lisa can't tell us just how much she was loved, or just how sweet and fair a maiden she was. But Annabell Lee tells us just how much Poe loved his wife when she died of tuberculosis. The poem tells the story of her death and just how much he missed her and wanted to be with her. Its sweet and sad at the same time. Some of Poe's other works could make your blood run cold and give you the chills.

I think you can all see by now that writing is my passion. Right now I write this blog, and I am doing daily articles for about high school drama, and relationships, and I am in the middle of writing a story for as well. So I have been very busy and I could use some feed back about my work. If anyone out there thinks I have any hope of making it someday and wants to see some of my work just let me know. I would greatly appreciate it!

Sunday, June 13, 2010

A Girl in Nebraska Wants to Die...

In times like these you have to ask yourself a question. Out of all the millions of people in the world, why the hell me??? Why was I chosen to live a life I hate? Why must I go on living day after horrible day, just to get kicked in the face once again? No one knows the answer to those questions, and I am no exception. I don't even know why I bother get up in the morning. Well other than the fact that I would be murdered in cold blood if I didn't. It just seems that my life is pointless, and I am worthless. Hey, that sounds familiar, maybe its because I am often referred to as the Worthless kid around my house. This childish name calling game can go on and on forever, all the stupid names I have been called. The one time I will never forget my dad said I was the worst kid he ever raised. Those names sink in and after hearing them for years, you start to believe it. Now when have been well behaved and a "good little girl" now he lashes out at me for something I am not even responsible for. Its not fair. My mom always says life's not fair. There is a fine line between that and going out of your way to make it unfair. So if i shot someone right now and the cops were after me I could say Life's not fair and they would just leave me alone. I don't think so. It's one thing if you want to go outside and play, but your parents wont let you because it is raining and you whine and complain because its not fair. But I have been volunteering to feed my brothers turkeys and take care of them. He never asked me to do it, I am not getting paid, yet I keep getting yelled at because they aren't clean. I have done all the laundry and dishes, kept the house clean, made supper every night, and picked and froze strawberries, beside taking care of the turkeys. This isn't fair he can't treat me like a slave, I am his daughter. Am I that pathetic to just be used? Am I so worthless that I have to be made a servant. I know my father is ashamed of me, because I am not good enough for him, but does he have to yell in my face. Somedays I just want to die. I could cry, and yell my story to the whole world and no one would even care. I bet every single person who reads this (if anyone does) wont respond. Because no one even cares, they dont know me, Who does? Oh no girl in Nebraska wants to die, Oh well. let her.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

An Excerpt From An Everyday Nightmare

This is from my notebook, from homecoming day last fall. This kind of day used to happen once or twice a week. This is the everyday, ordinary me when I fight with my friends. I hate being this way and I hope sophomore year is better. I don't think I can go through another year of this...

Here I sit, another typical day, wasting paper on my own foolish thoughts. I just betrayed one friend and I'm avoiding two others. You have no idea how low I feel right now. I want so bad to go home, go back to bed and slide under the covers, and hide from the world. It may be homecoming but I feel lousy. At least I get out of school somewhat early. If only I could hide somewhere and just cry. But I could never cry in public. My whole world is fading and I try to keep it alive, but I just cant fight it anymore. I don't want to live, but I'm too scared to die. I'm lost between the two. I must sum up because in five minutes I'll be meeting a watered-down, earth-version of hell. God save me from my own stupidity.

I think it speaks for itself, and I don't want my summer or the rest of my life to be this way. I want to step out of this hole in my life and walk away a brand new person. I want to be the girl guys want to be around, not because I am slutty, but because I am nice and I make them laugh. I want to be the girl that people want to be friends with not because I am popular, but because I am honest, true and loyal. But I ask myself is this possible? Can I change now and be that different person?

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

A Tribute to Sam

Sam is in the kitchen, sleeping on the floor
Any minute now, Sam may be no more
Sam is very sick, he barely speaks a word
For you see, my Sam is a little baby bird
He's a turkey to exact, he's the oddest little fellow
You can never enter the room without him cheeping a "hello"
He was born crippled, he may never walk
But the poor little guy sure knows how to talk
He is fuzzy and sweet and would never hurt a fly
But we can't get him to eat and I am afraid he's going to die
They say he doesn't have a chance, he never will survive
But I would do anything to keep my Sam alive
I have only known Sam one full day
But he's changed my life, I'd have to say
I'll never look at life the same way

Sunday, June 6, 2010

The Great Kauffman Stadium!

The lights, the fountains, the roar of the crowd, the lump in your throat, and total bliss that is Kauffman Stadium. Home of the Kansas City Royals!! Last night was the greatest night for me, my first ever Major League Baseball game. It couldn't have been any better, unless of course they had won, and I hadn't gotten a Sierra Mist to drink. The Kansas City Royals vs. The Detroit Tigers. Last night the players were great They just got a little behind their game. The outfeilder Scott Posednick, the catcher Jason Kendall, David Dejesus, and several others were outstanding. The feild was great the Stadium was incredible, the experience was unforgetable. It was truly a once in a lifetime event that will change my life, no doubt.

Once you go Royals you never go back. They have a really great thing going, a terrific feild, a talented team, and very loyal fans. I think they are aware that to many people they are the greatest team on dirt. Honestly I don't give a hoot about any other team in the league. Kansas City just means something to me and the Royals will always be the team I root for in the bleachers or on ESPN, because of last night, my very first stadim experiance.

Believe it or not, Kauffman Staduim is in the Top Ten Stadiums for fan appeal. They are at number 9 on that chart, but they will always be Number One for me. Let me say one thing that I know will always be true, I am a Loyal Royal...who else is with me?

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

The Day Before the Kansas Shore

~Tuesday, May 25th at 11: 15 pm~
Well, in about nine hours I will be leaving for the distant Kansas shore. Well OK its more like a line in the sand rather than a shore. But it is my beloved Kansas. I know this sounds crazy because for one Kansas is like no big deal to most people its, you know, just another farm state out in the middle of the boonies. Well, Kansas means a great deal to me, for one my brother lives there with his wife, Krystal. know I have only been to Kansas City, once and I for the most part am a country girl, but the one time was there I fell in love with it and I was really sad when I got home. So lucky me, I get to back!
There is no place I would rather be right now, except for right here. I really like sitting on my bed with the sound of the fan above me and the soft click click of the keys on my laptop. The soft cushions and pillows propping me up so I can read the words my brain is keying into the computer. If I could change one thing about this evening I would have a certain person by my side. I know what you're thinking that I should just get over the dork and move on with my life. Well maybe you are right its just so hard when the guy is attached to my heart like a leech. Its not that he is mooching off of me, hes really sweet, its just that I cant get over him, hes like a highly addictive drug and I'm hooked on him! I don't
know what to do I doubt if they have those self-help groups for people like me that are hung up on guys but hey you never know they have strange things in the cities! Well its time to run, and I am running out of time so Toodles! Xoxo...


Saturday, May 22, 2010

Bummer Summer

God, why does Blake have such a hold on me? It feels like he is the only one who could ever be right for me. This is killing me, and now on the last day of school it seems like, I don't know maybe I will never see him again. Why does this feeling never go away? I am standing almost at a bridge in my life between school and summer, freshman and sophomore, youth and adult. Maybe it is just me but I can feel my world changing in ways i never thought it could. Here I am late at night typing away furiously on this little laptop computer thinking madly about my future. Who else in the world could claim the same experience? I have written so many songs, poems, and stories i could fill an entire three-ring binder! I am so nuts with writing like now, for instance i can seem to shut myself up. I can type until three in the morning if I wanted to.
But for now it is late and i have to go. But summer officially starts for me today and I can hardly feel it I am so worked up over leaving all my friends (and Blake) behind. It is going to be one Bummer Summer fighting to get over him and on with the rest of my life....