Friday, May 21, 2010

Last Day of Freshman Year

Today was the last day of my freshman year. I feel like I am on an edge, between who I was and who I am going to be. Things seem to blur around me as if I am rushing past everything. For years I felt stuck in the mud, like I couldn’t move even if I wanted to. Now I just feel accelerated, like I am flying above and beyond my wildest dreams.
I want to remember everything about this day, just in case it never is this way again. I think back on all the memories, all the times we’ve shared, the laughter, the tears. I know now that I wouldn’t change a thing about this year. I think maybe that last fleeting look at my crush will be the last time I ever see him. That thought scares me, but what if it’s true. What if I never see him again? What if I have just stepped through those glass doors for the last time in my life? I am not a senior, so why does this feel like an ending rather than a beginning?
Maybe my subconscious it trying to tell me that something will be different next year. I don’t know why I am feeling this way. If I die today I will feel only half complete, I didn’t finish high school, I never told Blake how I feel about him, I never went to Kansas to see my brother, I didn’t get to tell my best friends goodbye. But I will die at peace with the world that I can be sure of. I left school without arguments, wars, or drama. It was passive friendship that walked me out the door as I collected hugs along the way. I remember the warm goodbye’s from all my teachers that I will genuinely miss all summer. The time spent in their classrooms were the best spent times of my life, and I only wish I had the chance to thank them for everything they do. Three years from now I will look back at my high school career and I know I will cry when I stand in front of the whole school, and my parents and say these truly were the best days of my life.

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