Sunday, August 1, 2010

Why I Hate Lecture Sessions & Want To Fall Madly In Love.

I've just spend a good hour of my life in Lecture Session with my parents. They seem to think that my life has entered Self Destruct mode, and I am rapidly getting worse. The actual content of the lecture is way to complicated to talk about, and most people wouldn't understand. Lets just say they think I am wasting my life on the internet talking to people, avoiding my work, and ok maybe I don't eat the way I should. Half of the time they were talking I had my head buried in pillows refusing to even look at them across the room. I pretended to fall asleep (but I was pretty close anyway), and forever later I finally heard "Well, its getting late you two should head to bed." I didn't want to make it seem too obvious that I had been waiting  over an hour to hear that. I just laid there, like I really was sleeping until my mom said my name. I mumbled something inaudible  before giving her a hug and restraining myself from sprinting from the room.

My parents have never understood me, nor will they ever, because they just don't take the time. My mom is the only one that even knows I like to write. My family just assumes I'm on the computer all the time talking to friends. While I spend a good share of my time talking to people, I spend a lot of it writing and reading other people's work on inkpop.com. They have no idea the dreams, and goals I have set out for my future. They have no clue that I want to fall in love. I have never had anything close to love in my life before. I do care about my friends and family and it some weird, twisted way it is form of love. But I want the true, undiluted, pure, passionate love. I know I am too young, and naive to have that, but is it so hard to come by these days?

There actually is someone I met online, that I really like. I have never met him of course, but I actually have blogged about him before. We have so much in common, even little silly meaningless things, but it gives us something to talk about. Some how, we just connected, and I believe I could tell him almost anything. Well, except for the fact that I probably like him a little more than he likes me. My heart beats double time, when I see he is online, and he just makes me smile. There isn't anything I would change about him, other than the fact that I always start the conversation, and after a while he just stops talking to me. At first, that was really frustrating, but as the weeks go on it doesn't bother me as much. He is just unpredictable, that's all. My friends sometimes think I fall too hard and too fast for people, but that never matters when there is someone to catch you. Unfortunately, I have never had someone to catch me. So, we are just "friends" for now, and probably forever. Huh, that's my life for you. Now, every time I close my eyes I see the face of this guy I had a crush on. I guess it's maybe a getting-over-him-thing, but who know? In my life there is nothing stable or predictable, nothing to lean on and nothing that will always be there no matter what.

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