Sunday, September 19, 2010

Fantasy Is Better Than Reality...(unless your living in a dream)

Yeah, so I haven't blogged in a really long time. And I guess its time to get off my duff and write. I really have nothing interesting to talk about or anything witty to say and its 7:00 in the morning give me a break. Well as for things with Scott, they are great. We had a few shaky times, when things didn't look too promising but,
everything turned out in the end, and now we are better than ever. I got to talk to him for a while yesterday, and he'd been sick for a while. In the few days when he wasn't online I was under a lot of pressure, and yeah those days sucked. I really learned just how much I need him when
he's not there. So, yeah I'm just waiting for him to get
online so we can talk again, but in all honesty I really want to actually meet him. I know this whole affair sounds crazy to a person with half a brain, but I really am hopelessly in love with him. This is a huge risk, I know. He could be lying, but I believe in my heart the things he tells me. My friend keeps trying to reason with me, but at this point I am beyond that. I have permanently shut off my brain and am solely living from what my heart is telling me. So far, my heart has been right on the money. Scott is and always will be the sweetest boy alive in my heart. I dream about him and my arms reach out involuntarily for him, but of course I wake up and he's not there. Then reality sinks in, that he's a thousand miles away. Some days its best to not even get out of bed, my dreams are so much better than real life. But no matter what happens, I will never stop caring about him. The first love is the last you'll forget and I never intend to forget him. Its crazy that my first relationship was long distance. Its crazy how far away he is. Its crazy how much I care for someone I've never met. Its crazy how in love we are. Yeah, in a nutshell...Its fricken crazy.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Facing The Past, and The Present.

I felt the sun overhead, but because of a gentle breeze, it was still cool. My first thought was "Where am I?" I looked down, and marveled at what I saw. I was dressed in a white cotton gown that fell just below my knees. I felt my hair; it was curled and I could feel flowers in it. I felt like some fairy child. My gaze fell to my feet that were bare and I was standing on some kind of red carpet in the middle of the forest. I looked forward and saw the carpet stretching out as far as I could see. I took a step, it was warm and soft beneath my toes. I began walking down it. That's when they arrived. The faces literally came out of nowhere. They were standing on either side of the carpet I was traveling and I had no choice but to walk past each and everyone of them.They were all the people I had met online that summer.

Some faces smiled, some looked down, others glared. These were the people I had hurt, lied to, laughed with and fallen in love with. Some I recognized right away, while some I had no idea who they were. I saw Garrack, he just looked down, as did Clifford. Renz smiled and waved at me. Chris game me a blank stare. There were more faces I didn't know. Some looked like they wanted to kill me, or worse. Next in line were my Kaplan friends Mary, Harlie, and little baby Zachariah.They wore bright faces, they smiled and waved at me. Next to them was Wil he made a face that made me giggle and I waved back. I looked to my left there was Joe, Reese, and Richie, none looked too happy to see me. "You hurt me" I heard one call out, I assumed it was Reese, but walked on without looking back. After them was Randy then Cole, whose eyes blazed with what appeared to be lust. I quickly turned away, trying to find someone. Everyone's here he surely had to be here as well. Instead I saw Alex, who had been hurt, and Jacob who I ignored. Then there was Chandler that lost his brother, JT that lost his dad, Aaron the boy in the band and then my heart fell. There was Josh, who just looked brokenly at me. "How could you, Angel!!" he yelled. I flinched at the steel in his voice and the use of his special nick name for me. I hurried on, past all the faces, it was nightmarish. I began to run  faster and faster, the people began to dissipate into the fog. That's when I hit a wall or what appeared to be a wall. When I looked up it wasn't a wall I was standing in front of, it was a man, and not the one I had been looking for either. In fact, it was the last man on earth I wanted to see, Mooyo.

The sun seemed to darken and the fog swept around us. I shivered in the now chilly wind. He glared at me with steel gray eyes. I had never seen him before, but somehow I knew it was him. He was a good 6 years older than me, and I really didn't like him but somehow I had lead him on. I didn't mean to, and before I could tell him I wasn't interested in him it had been too late. Now, here he was, standing a mere two inches away from me, and I could not get away. I tried to turn around and run the other way, but he grabbed my wrists and held me in place. "Oh no you don't.You're not going anywhere" he said harshly. "Let me go!!" I screamed but it did no good. I was hopeless to fight him, he was far too strong. "You are going to tell me why you deleted and blocked me." I looked at him, like he was insane. "You were 22 years old! The things you said to me creeped me out, and besides I like someone else!" I retorted, trying to hold my own. "Well, that's just too bad that your 'someone else' can't be here right now to save your sorry hide." the evil glint in his eyes made my blood run cold. He roughly handled me and was leaning down about to kiss me, but I kicked and fought him off. This angered him even more, and he hit me square across the cheek. "You blasted, ungrateful wretch." He leaned down to kiss me yet again, but stopped dead in his tracks at a voice behind my head.

"Let her go." Three words was all that was spoken but it turned the evil villain into a  heartless coward. I spun around to see my 'Knight in Shining Armor'. "Scottie!" I shouted and tried to run toward him, but my arms were still locked in Mooyo's overly large hands. "I said to let her go." Scott's voice was calm, but laced with anger. His eye's held the same steel in them and I noted the scars on his face. It would kill me to see him hurt again. So, to avoid the two getting in a fight, I did what I had to do. While Mooyo was distracted by Scott's presence, I lifted my hand and sank my teeth into his. He hollered and was about to strike me when I gave him a swift kick, right in the crotch. As I had hoped, he fell to his knees. I took the opportunity to kick him in the side of the head. "And you were wrong by the way, My certain 'someone else' would come for me!" I turn and ran right into Scott's open arms.

"Honey, you did great!" he complimented. I could only grin at his words. How many times had I dreamed of this? I pulled back from his embrace to see him. I took in his whole appearance; the brown hair that fell onto his forehead, the light smattering of freckles on his nose, the liquid brown eyes framed by thick eyebrows. I again saw the scars and I kissed them as if I could heal them by my touch. First, the one on his head from his tumor surgery. Then, the ones on his eyebrow from the fight with his father. I knew there would soon be another on his check, so I kissed it too. Finally, I kissed the one on his lip, and let it linger while he kissed me back. My arms were tangled around him, and his around me. Our breath mingled together as the kiss deepened and the skies opened. Rain began to fall around us and blurred my vision and soon it began to fade completely. Before I knew it, it was sunny again. Light poured through my bedroom window, it was morning. That's when I realized it had all been a dream. Mooyo had never been there, and Scott was still far away in North Carolina. I couldn't help but be a little disappointed.