Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Fall like Feathers not Cement Trucks

I want to dance, to laugh, to kick up my heels. But no. I'm here on my hands and knees on the floor, cramped against the wall, because this is the only place my decrepit laptop will charge. I have had pinkeye in my left eyeball for close to two and a half weeks. Everybody says,"Go to the doctor." and I say, "Neverrrrrrrrrr!" There are reasons for saying this. I have never in my life had to go to a doctor. One delivered me when I was born. One did a physical exam before 7th grade. Every other one has given me shots. All these things were absolutely required, but I've never ever gone voluntarily. It just scares me. Idk what they'll do to me, but I've heard horror stories of poking with cold metal objects, prodding questions, and gulp...medications. Every antibiotic I've ever used was natural, and they've always worked.And the other thing is that doctors are expensive. Yikes, they make a lot. My parents cannot afford that, and with currently no health insurance they really can't.

With this pinkeye I can hardly go inquire about jobs (and online applications aren't really working) that will allow me to finally move out. Sooo I'm stuck here, and I'm not much of a happy camper about that. Sooo stuck like a monkey in a lake of glue. I barely get to see my best friend, my mother sees her more often. Blogger Boy was absent for awhile, and that kinda make me sad as well. He's back now, I think, though we haven't talked yet.

I remember when we met, I was still "with" Kleenex Boy. BB would hit on me so much and for some reason I let him. Typically when a guy did that I ignored him after awhile. I guess through it all, BB was a good friend, he always gave me advice, though I rarely listened to it. I threw myself at KB time and time again, but BB was always there to numb the pain when I was hurting.The last time when I shattered, he helped put me back together. He never let me down. Never. Another thing I've noticed is that whenever KB would be gone for a few days I'd get paranoid that he was going to disappear and never come back, but these past few days when BB was gone I never had a doubt that he'd return. It already shows I have more trust in him than I did with Kleenex Boy and thats a comforting thought. It makes me feel better about the decision I made to walk away. I just love how he isn't afraid to make me a part of his life. He would talk to me on Facebook where all his friends could see, not some back private alley like a message. His sister and his friend know about me and those were things KB never did. It was almost like he was ashamed of me somehow.

I don't know. The fear of getting hurt is battling the desire to open up my heart and spill its contents to someone again. I think the desire is winning. But still, I don't want to come on too strong, I want to fall a little at a time, like a feather, not like a truck full of cement blocks. But I'm still holding back, just in case. Well, my cat and my bed beckon, my cat is a little more persistent. Oh but now she's pouting, I'm REALLY in trouble now. Peace Blog Stalkers.

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