A few weeks ago a very important man in my life gave me a piece of advice I had completely forgotten about until today. Sorry, Blogger Boy. But anyways he was right in saying what he did. And although I didnt quite understand him then, it make a hell of a lot of sense now. This is what he told me.
"The past is just a boat anchor. You can leave the past dragging you down,
you can pull it up and carry it with you, or you can cut the fucking
anchor free and let the winds carry you."
Kleenex boy is letting the past drag him down, he's not going anywhere he's just stuck right there not moving. After losing him I thought I could drag my past up and carry it with me. But it still weighted me down. He was with me every where I went because I couldn't bear to lose him. I was afraid of how much it would hurt. But relationships aren't only one sided. I wanted him to be in my life so much, but he never gave me the time of day. Its so hard to have a relationship with a person that never communicates with you. So it's time to be a grown up and cut the ropes and ties to the past. I wanted something solid in my life, something to cling to in the storm, but he's simply not it. He'll never change because his anchor has grown roots and embedded itself in the sea floor and I think he feels it will rip him apart to change. He's a stubborn, stubborn man and I'll never change him. No one probably ever will.
My heart goes out to him, because I know he'll never be truly happy. I gave him something of an ultimatum today, he has 24 hours to give me a reason to keep trying to be friends with him. If I haven't heard from him tomorrow at 7:00pm, he'll never hear from me again. Its not like I want to do this, but I'm afraid I have to. I have a right to live my own life and if he's just going to hold me back from being happy, then I have to do what I have to do. Even if I end up a batty old spinster someday, it would be better then still nursing unrequited feelings for him.
But from now on, I cannot be weak and let him back in when my heart aches. I can no longer go to him for comfort, advice or a laugh, unless this time he truly proves he can be a man and put this nonsense behind him. But I know him better, he won't. Its just a last ounce of hope. Just like the hope that he'd make it to my graduation. I knew it was completely unfounded and never going to happen, but every few minutes while onstage, I scanned the crowd for his face. I waited in line while so many people hugged me and congratulated me. He wasn't there. It was disappointing, sure, but it really sucked when HRF had to harass him before he even called me that night. He claimed that he knew it was my graduation, but who knows what to believe. But I promise myself this: I've cried my last tear for him. I have.