Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Letters to Rather Dashing: The Pain of Loss

Dear Rather Dashing,

You've only been gone a few days and already it feels like a lifetime. The pain is absolutely unreal, and its not all emotional either. Since the day you said you no longer want me around, I have physically been hurting, more than I ever have in my life. If it continues until next week, I have to call my doctor and find out what is going on with me. My bleeding problem is back and if I'm not super careful about handling stress and what I eat and drink, I could wind up back in a hospital bed. As you know, that would not be good, physically or financially.

As far as my support system goes...well, its fair I guess. I have those that tell me to keep being strong and continue my patience with you, as well as those that think I should just get over you. Even my mother told me to give up on you after a week. Tiffany, surprisingly, is very supportive of waiting it out. She tells me all the time that you'll come back around. I don't want to say that I have my doubts, because I do have faith in you, but I also know that you can cut people off for a long time. I realize I may have to wait six months to a year before you come around, and I pray every day for the strength to carry on. You have no idea what heartbreak is until you go through what I'm going through, especially to know it was over a misunderstanding, a misinterpretation, something so easily fixed. I know you're stubborn, but I'm attempting to prove I'm more stubborn, by refusing to give up. I hope in time, you will learn to see that I'm stronger in love than you'll ever be in numbness. I hope and pray you read my messages, watch my videos and they reach you somehow. I'm trying so hard to pull you past this, to bring back to life the charm, humor and light that you are. Perhaps this makes me a fool, but I believe in you. Even if you never speak to me again, if something I say helps in anyway it will be worth it. You never need a reason to help someone, and I think you know that better than anyone, for you're the one who taught that very lesson to me.

I still have so many emotional issues to sort through, loss, fear, loneliness and guilt, never ending guilt. Today a coworker, one I never particularly cared for in the first place, texted my phone and asked me to work for her last minute, for two hours. I already didn't feel good, I was still technically in class. At first I was just really put off by it, seeing as I barely knew her, I wasn't sure how she even got my number and just the fact that it really wasn't worth the drive all the way into town, especially seeing as how my car was already almost out of gas. Yet, I still antagonized over it, and when I got home I added her on facebook and messaged her saying I couldn't because I was leaving town. Yes, a lie. But later when another coworker (one I absolutely adore) called me I came to find out it was her who was looking for someone to work for her. I still had to stick to my story, but the guilt was incredible. She was meeting up with a social worker, because she has foster kids living with her. My guilt level is through the roof right now. But I will carry on, head down, heart heavy, but I will. Because I always do.

As always, I still love you and I'm still here. Don't ever forget how beautiful you are inside and out. Wounds heal and scars remain, they remind you of the past and who you used to be, but don't let them define you. You're bigger than that, you can make your own future. Build. I know you can. If you need a crutch, I'm here for you, if you're burdens get too heavy, I have room on my back. I would shove you out of the way of a speeding car if I had to. "I will never let you fall, even if saving you sends me to heaven." And isn't that the truth. I hope you come back soon, in the meantime, please take care of yourself. If something happened to you, I don't think I could ever forgive myself. Blowing you lots of kisses, until we speak again.

Love Always,

Ange

Sunday, January 19, 2014

Letters to Rather Dashing: Part One

Dear Rather Dashing,

I had a lot of time to think today on the nearly hour long drive back to town after visiting my parents for the day (mostly it was my dad and I sitting around watching Cheers all day). I started thinking about all the things I'd say to you if only I could. I know you still haven't replied to my goodbye message, part of me thinks thats a good thing, because if you were to say anything to me I'd be tempted to run back and fling myself in your arms. I realize that you're probably expecting me to do just that on my own and believe me a part of me wants nothing more than to call you up and beg you to forgive me and take me back like I have every time I've attempted to walk away the past two and a half years. There's also this stubborn other half of me that is bound and determined to be stronger this time.

I did want you to know that I'm really pulling myself together this time. I realize its only been a little while, but I know things are going to be different from here on out. If I can just survive this first week, the second will be easier. I'm starting to believe in myself and that's quite an accomplishment. I've been focusing on eating healthy, doing homework and keeping up the house. I stopped all contact with my ex, which is difficult considering how close we were, however I know its whats best for him. He's moving on with his life and no longer needs me, though its not as if he ever did. To be honest, I don't think I've ever been needed. That's okay though, I no longer need anyone either. I pretty much stopped contact with everyone, not just you. Tiff is probably the only one outside of my parents I talk to socially. I had a friend here the other day and I just couldn't shake the feeling of how much I wanted her to just go home so I could be alone. I didn't want her over in the first place but she insisted.

I don't know, I've started to become a little closed off and bitter. I don't seem to trust anyone or want to get close to anyone again. I suppose I have become a little pessimistic. Guess its just a side effect of pulling myself together. I can either be a bumbling mess and romantic fool or a sensible yet cynical ice queen. Honestly, you were always the one thing that could keep me in any kind of balance, but I have to do this on my own. I can't rely on you, I can't rely on anyone. Please believe that this is hard on me, there's still not a day that goes by when I don't wish you were here with me. But we both know the likelihood of us ever seeing each other again is next to nothing. We've gone our separate ways and I don't think our paths will ever cross again. I guess all I've ever wanted was someone to fight for me, someone who would do some wild and romantic thing to prove that they needed me in their life, I wanted to feel like I was worth it somehow. Honestly, it would have been enough just to hear you say you loved me, but then again you love her too. Somehow it doesn't mean as much then.

You have no idea how many times over the years I've wished I was her. I don't even know the girl, but I've never been more jealous of a person in my entire life. As much as I want you, I have to let you go. I can't keep pretending that you'll ever be with me. Can't you see that as much as it kills me I know you're always going to love her more? Nothing I could do will ever out weigh all the years you two were together before I met you. There's no way to catch up, no way to ever win your heart. I've tried for so long, and though I know you care for me, it will never be enough. I know you swear up and down the only reason you're with her and not me is because she was there first, but yet you say you've thought of a future with me too. There's no way that can be at the same time. I was late to the game, I missed out. I'm sorry I wasn't there six years ago to beat her to you, but I was kind of stuck in Nebraska. Yes, I walked away from the love of my life and the only one I ever want to be with. The rest of the world doesn't really matter right now. I don't want to see people, or talk to anyone. I want to hole myself up until people start to wonder if I'm actually still alive. I'm too ashamed to admit that I might actually not be able to live without you, so I want to scream loud enough you'll be able to hear me all the way in Casper and come investigate the sound and find me dying in a hermit's cave and resuscitate me. But I also promised to treat myself to a brownie sundae at Dairy Queen if I can go two weeks without talking to you. I can't tell you what will win my damned romantic heart or my appetite. Since getting released from the hospital I've been eating everything in sight, pretty sure I out-ate my dad today...and he's not a small man.

Please remember that I love you more than it should be humanly possible. It breaks me ever day I can't talk to you, tell you about my day or share some inside joke with you. Its hard to just live without you. But know this is something I think I have to do. I honestly can't tell you if one day I'll finally break down and come back, but its very likely. I have a weakness for you that's like 800 miles wide. Right now, I have to be strong, I have to stay away from you. But I will never stop wanting to be with you, I don't think that's a part of me I'll ever be able to change. Until I, no doubt, write you again, dream of large women.

Love Always,

Ange