Sunday, January 19, 2014

Letters to Rather Dashing: Part One

Dear Rather Dashing,

I had a lot of time to think today on the nearly hour long drive back to town after visiting my parents for the day (mostly it was my dad and I sitting around watching Cheers all day). I started thinking about all the things I'd say to you if only I could. I know you still haven't replied to my goodbye message, part of me thinks thats a good thing, because if you were to say anything to me I'd be tempted to run back and fling myself in your arms. I realize that you're probably expecting me to do just that on my own and believe me a part of me wants nothing more than to call you up and beg you to forgive me and take me back like I have every time I've attempted to walk away the past two and a half years. There's also this stubborn other half of me that is bound and determined to be stronger this time.

I did want you to know that I'm really pulling myself together this time. I realize its only been a little while, but I know things are going to be different from here on out. If I can just survive this first week, the second will be easier. I'm starting to believe in myself and that's quite an accomplishment. I've been focusing on eating healthy, doing homework and keeping up the house. I stopped all contact with my ex, which is difficult considering how close we were, however I know its whats best for him. He's moving on with his life and no longer needs me, though its not as if he ever did. To be honest, I don't think I've ever been needed. That's okay though, I no longer need anyone either. I pretty much stopped contact with everyone, not just you. Tiff is probably the only one outside of my parents I talk to socially. I had a friend here the other day and I just couldn't shake the feeling of how much I wanted her to just go home so I could be alone. I didn't want her over in the first place but she insisted.

I don't know, I've started to become a little closed off and bitter. I don't seem to trust anyone or want to get close to anyone again. I suppose I have become a little pessimistic. Guess its just a side effect of pulling myself together. I can either be a bumbling mess and romantic fool or a sensible yet cynical ice queen. Honestly, you were always the one thing that could keep me in any kind of balance, but I have to do this on my own. I can't rely on you, I can't rely on anyone. Please believe that this is hard on me, there's still not a day that goes by when I don't wish you were here with me. But we both know the likelihood of us ever seeing each other again is next to nothing. We've gone our separate ways and I don't think our paths will ever cross again. I guess all I've ever wanted was someone to fight for me, someone who would do some wild and romantic thing to prove that they needed me in their life, I wanted to feel like I was worth it somehow. Honestly, it would have been enough just to hear you say you loved me, but then again you love her too. Somehow it doesn't mean as much then.

You have no idea how many times over the years I've wished I was her. I don't even know the girl, but I've never been more jealous of a person in my entire life. As much as I want you, I have to let you go. I can't keep pretending that you'll ever be with me. Can't you see that as much as it kills me I know you're always going to love her more? Nothing I could do will ever out weigh all the years you two were together before I met you. There's no way to catch up, no way to ever win your heart. I've tried for so long, and though I know you care for me, it will never be enough. I know you swear up and down the only reason you're with her and not me is because she was there first, but yet you say you've thought of a future with me too. There's no way that can be at the same time. I was late to the game, I missed out. I'm sorry I wasn't there six years ago to beat her to you, but I was kind of stuck in Nebraska. Yes, I walked away from the love of my life and the only one I ever want to be with. The rest of the world doesn't really matter right now. I don't want to see people, or talk to anyone. I want to hole myself up until people start to wonder if I'm actually still alive. I'm too ashamed to admit that I might actually not be able to live without you, so I want to scream loud enough you'll be able to hear me all the way in Casper and come investigate the sound and find me dying in a hermit's cave and resuscitate me. But I also promised to treat myself to a brownie sundae at Dairy Queen if I can go two weeks without talking to you. I can't tell you what will win my damned romantic heart or my appetite. Since getting released from the hospital I've been eating everything in sight, pretty sure I out-ate my dad today...and he's not a small man.

Please remember that I love you more than it should be humanly possible. It breaks me ever day I can't talk to you, tell you about my day or share some inside joke with you. Its hard to just live without you. But know this is something I think I have to do. I honestly can't tell you if one day I'll finally break down and come back, but its very likely. I have a weakness for you that's like 800 miles wide. Right now, I have to be strong, I have to stay away from you. But I will never stop wanting to be with you, I don't think that's a part of me I'll ever be able to change. Until I, no doubt, write you again, dream of large women.

Love Always,