Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Letters to Rather Dashing: The Pain of Loss

Dear Rather Dashing,

You've only been gone a few days and already it feels like a lifetime. The pain is absolutely unreal, and its not all emotional either. Since the day you said you no longer want me around, I have physically been hurting, more than I ever have in my life. If it continues until next week, I have to call my doctor and find out what is going on with me. My bleeding problem is back and if I'm not super careful about handling stress and what I eat and drink, I could wind up back in a hospital bed. As you know, that would not be good, physically or financially.

As far as my support system goes...well, its fair I guess. I have those that tell me to keep being strong and continue my patience with you, as well as those that think I should just get over you. Even my mother told me to give up on you after a week. Tiffany, surprisingly, is very supportive of waiting it out. She tells me all the time that you'll come back around. I don't want to say that I have my doubts, because I do have faith in you, but I also know that you can cut people off for a long time. I realize I may have to wait six months to a year before you come around, and I pray every day for the strength to carry on. You have no idea what heartbreak is until you go through what I'm going through, especially to know it was over a misunderstanding, a misinterpretation, something so easily fixed. I know you're stubborn, but I'm attempting to prove I'm more stubborn, by refusing to give up. I hope in time, you will learn to see that I'm stronger in love than you'll ever be in numbness. I hope and pray you read my messages, watch my videos and they reach you somehow. I'm trying so hard to pull you past this, to bring back to life the charm, humor and light that you are. Perhaps this makes me a fool, but I believe in you. Even if you never speak to me again, if something I say helps in anyway it will be worth it. You never need a reason to help someone, and I think you know that better than anyone, for you're the one who taught that very lesson to me.

I still have so many emotional issues to sort through, loss, fear, loneliness and guilt, never ending guilt. Today a coworker, one I never particularly cared for in the first place, texted my phone and asked me to work for her last minute, for two hours. I already didn't feel good, I was still technically in class. At first I was just really put off by it, seeing as I barely knew her, I wasn't sure how she even got my number and just the fact that it really wasn't worth the drive all the way into town, especially seeing as how my car was already almost out of gas. Yet, I still antagonized over it, and when I got home I added her on facebook and messaged her saying I couldn't because I was leaving town. Yes, a lie. But later when another coworker (one I absolutely adore) called me I came to find out it was her who was looking for someone to work for her. I still had to stick to my story, but the guilt was incredible. She was meeting up with a social worker, because she has foster kids living with her. My guilt level is through the roof right now. But I will carry on, head down, heart heavy, but I will. Because I always do.

As always, I still love you and I'm still here. Don't ever forget how beautiful you are inside and out. Wounds heal and scars remain, they remind you of the past and who you used to be, but don't let them define you. You're bigger than that, you can make your own future. Build. I know you can. If you need a crutch, I'm here for you, if you're burdens get too heavy, I have room on my back. I would shove you out of the way of a speeding car if I had to. "I will never let you fall, even if saving you sends me to heaven." And isn't that the truth. I hope you come back soon, in the meantime, please take care of yourself. If something happened to you, I don't think I could ever forgive myself. Blowing you lots of kisses, until we speak again.

Love Always,